1st January 2018

A whole new year, 12 months, 365 days.
So much things to look forward to and yet, so much to be scared of.
So much had happened in 2017 be it good or bad.

Let me recall what major things has happened;
1. I decided to start working.
2. I decided to go for evening classes.
3. I decided to go for a clean diet (which lasted for four months close to five).
4. I decided to apologize to people whom I need to apologize to. 

In 2018, I am determined.
Determine to work harder than before.
Determine to work for things that I truly love.
Determine to go for a longer clean diet.
Determine to let go of the past.
Determine to start loving myself and opening my heart even more.
Determine to be truly happy.

Dear 2018,

No matter how fucked up 2017 was. I still hope for the best in 2018.
I still believe in “good things come to those who wait”.
I still believe in faith and fate.
I believe I’ll be able to go through all the hardship and accomplish greater things in life.
There are so much more adventure waiting for me this upcoming year.
I promise myself that I will try and be slightly more adventurous than before.
I promise myself that I will go ahead and be brave to try things that I have never tried.
I promise to make this year the best year yet.

Sincerely,

Me.

Advertisements

You did well. You’ve worked hard.

(Warning!! Sentimental content & none of the picture belongs to me)

Dearest JH,

This is so hard. It’s always hard for me to bid farewell & I’m not ready for you to go just yet. This is so fucking hard because as I type this, I could feel my eyes welled up with tears. Filled with regrets and guilt.

Sweet, Sweet, Sweet JH. You were the sweetest person, always the caring and thoughtful one, an amazing singer with a voice that could shook us all. You were happy on the outside, yet you were suffering so much. You acted as if nothing is wrong with you yet the lyrics you wrote are your snippets of what was going on in your life and what’s gonna happen next. We’ve failed to notice. All of us. The family, friends and fans.

2009 – First heard the band song, got stuck by your amazing voice and your cute little blonde hair. First thought was, “holy shit, that guy could sing!”

2010 to 2014 – Supported your band as a fan. Attended to two of your concert. Had the opportunity to watch you sing live twice, still can’t believe how amazing your voice is. Then, I leave that world and not leaving you guys behind because your songs are still in my Spotify Playlist.

That’s the thing, we were all so consumed by your voice that we failed to notice you were consumed by your own darkness and demon. All we’ve noticed was how beautifully you sing and not how much pain was in your voice. As you were suffering, you were still thinking about others. Making sure they’ll be alright after you left this world. Even with your last breath, you still thought of the people around you. Just how long have you been preparing this? How long have you been suffering?

You see JH, you were never alone. We all love you. Always have, always will. I’m sorry we’ve failed to notice the emptiness in your heart, we’ve failed to notice the hollowness in you. I’m sorry we’ve failed to see the pain in your eyes and voice.

I’m not sure how many actually agree to this, I feel you’re “taking it for the team”. What does that means? It mean you are willing to sacrifice yourself to let the whole world know that, idols are human as well. Idols feels the pain. Idols can have depression and that many many idols in the industry you’re in, are suffering like you do. You are proving a point right here that everyone should take a step back, looked around you and give their idols some space.

Oh sweet JH, thank you for braving through it all for the past few years. Thank you for doing your very best till the very end. Thank you for making us all smile by your goofy actions. Thank you for making us listen to your soothing voice. Thank you for making us as one. Thank you for teaching us this lesson.

Oh sweet JH, you were so brave. I’m sorry you had to go through it all alone, I really am. It’s only less than an hour till the boys had to carry you out. What a bittersweet feeling. I’m happy you’re finding at peace but I’m sad that you had to leave everyone who love you behind. We are all taking it so damn hard. Fans or not fans. We all are suffering yet we stay strong because that’s what you want us to.

종현아,

너 진짜 최고야

보고싶다 우리 종현이.

근데… 수고했어

사랑해.. 김종현

Love, Me.

Dear Girls,

To those who have been stood up on a “date” or hangout as I call it. I have officially join the damn club.

Yes, I got stood up today. With a guy whom I’ve met online. We’ve been chatting for a few months and finally I’ve felt comfortable enough to meet him and grab a supper. Little did I know, that didn’t happened.

I have never once thought I would ever meet someone online. I’m always afraid, afraid of being not enough, afraid of being stood up and amongst other little things. The day I finally gather my damn fucking courage and agree to it, I got stood up and it’s my first ever one. How fucked up does that sound?

I had my walls build, and as I was trying to demolish bits and pieces I ended up putting the walls back up and make it even harder to break.

Never again.

Yours Truly,

Me.

We are all Beautiful.

Hello Everyone.
You must be wondering what’s up with this post and well, let me give you a heads up. What I am about to say next, is based on what has happened to me in reality not long than a month ago when it started and obviously gotten so much worse that I decided to voice it out.

About a month ago, I was having a “clean-eating” healthy lifestyle. To maybe lose a few kilos and stop all the intake of junk foods and all. Then came this guy from my workplace whom I don’t really know that well but being polite we usually just greeted each other. He came up to me and said “Oh? You’re on a diet? Well that’s good! Because you really need to lose that few kilos.” Upon hearing that my mind went like, “what the hell is this guy talking about?” and I just replied him like “oh haha, yeah I’m doing a clean diet thing. Have been eating too much junk food lately.” Second thing that came to my mind was like, oh maybe this guy is just casually joking about it. Oh and how wrong was I with that thinking. Ever since that day, he would always come up to me and said, “How’s the diet coming along? You are still losing that few kilos right? because you really need to.”, “Hey, I mean no offence right, but you do know you’re like on the slightly bigger side..right?”. Most of the I would just casually brush it off and be like, “Yes, I know I’m fat and I did lose that few kilos.” blah blah blah. But it all comes down to a point when he started continuously rubbing it to my face. “Hey, you should ride a bike home, it might help you to lose some fats.”, “Hey, this clothes make your thigh looks bigger”, “Hey, you shouldn’t be eating this.” and so much more. My colleague wasn’t happy that I did not defend myself or stop him from “insulting me” so instead they told him off.

Colleague A said, “You know, regardless of whether she’s okay with you insulting her or not, you can’t be doing that to every other girl.”
Guy said, “I was just kidding. I am not insulting her, I’m just motivating her to work harder.”
Colleague A said, “Motivating? That is demoralizing. You shouldn’t be going around calling people fat and insult them and call that Motivating. You need to stop.”
Till this day, that guy still find this as a joke.

Last week, after I’ve ended my clean diet for almost two weeks. I was eating with my colleague when he decided to join us unannounced. Firstly, I have no problem with that because despite the things he has said to me, he is still an okay guy. Secondly, we can’t possibly ask him to move out of the seats right? So he looked over at my plate and said, “You do know that the chicken is rather fattening right? You shouldn’t be eating that at all. You should reduce your rice intake and take in all the vegetables, no meats at all”, at this point of time, I was getting a little damn pissed and irritated. I looked up to him and said, “Look, you can eat whatever you want and I can eat whatever fuck I want. I don’t need you to constantly tell me what I should eat and what I should not. If I wanna eat the chicken, I will eat the damn chicken. If I wanna eat rice, I will eat my damn rice. If I wanna go for a clean diet, dude I won’t even leave the office, I would just stay up in the office and eat my awful diet yet clean meal which consist of boiled chicken and egg. If you’re so up for clean diet, you shouldn’t even drink sweet drinks or soda.” with that being said, I resume eating my lunch but boy am I pissed.

You see, the reason why I’m pissed is not the fact that he has insulted me constantly, mocking me about my body size and constantly rubbing it to my face that, “Hey, you should do something about your body before it gets even more fatter than it already is”. Perhaps, it was a “kind” gesture of him being considerate towards my body that maybe eating too much fattening food is rather concerning or he may not mean any real harm at all. But, I wasn’t insulted by his comment made towards me. I was insulted by the way he view Women, of the way he thinks that it is perfectly okay to make such a comment to a women, or in fact any one. Sure, I do not mind what he has said, but that doesn’t make it right or okay for him to say it. You do not take my kindness for granted. Just because I tolerate it, doesn’t mean I’m okay with being tolerating. I do not care if he was joking about it or if he is being completely serious, what he has done that is NOT ACCEPTABLE. We can all agrees to disagree, but with the comment that he has made, this is reason why every single girl is so insecure about their own body.

We are all beautiful. Despite all our body shape and sizes, WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. 

Women are constantly being reminded about how the body size matters. How we should always watch our diet, to have the perfect body shape. No fats around the thigh, no scratch mark, slim waist, flat belly, round butt and big breast. Is this how the world is really viewing women? Because, that is absolutely disgusting. Why do the society always wish to shape us into something that is so not right? Why do people think that is okay? Women can have any body size as they want and not what the society wants them to have. Young girls are under the influence of having big thigh or small breast is a bad thing, they wish to have bodies like the Models. They wish to be accepted into the society. That is not true, at all. Someone on the internet said that, “no plus size model should be called beautiful for there is nothing beautiful about clotted arteries that might lead to obesity or other concerning illness.” We are all entitled by our own opinions, I respect that. But, I do want you to respect that this are the choices made by the people. You do not have a say or part in it.

Every one of us is different and beautiful in our own ways. Small or Big, Thin or Huge, Fat or Thick, it honestly doesn’t matter. We are ourselves. No one should tell us how we should deal with out diet or body shape. No one should tell us how bad we looked with our body shape. No one should bring down our self-confidence and self-esteem. We are who we are, we shouldn’t learn how to fit in, instead we should learn how to stand out from the society. 

I have been called fat throughout my entire life, it hurts at first because I realized that I wasn’t able to be like all the other girls who are slimmer than I am. I wasn’t able to fit in and wear nice pretty dresses (Although, personally I am not a fan of that either). But I was even more hurt when I realized, that body shape shouldn’t be the biggest concern. I shouldn’t be force into something that I am not. Whether I’m fat or not, it is MY BODY and If I’m happy with it, shouldn’t it be all that matters? That is when, I decided to ignore all negativity comment that is targeted to me. Opinions are welcomed, but that doesn’t mean I will listen to it unless it is much needed.

To all the ladies who have been insulted at some point of your time regardless of whatever reason be it your face or body.
Having a Confident and Healthy Mind is far more important than listening to Negative comments that comes out from others. If you’re happy with who you are, continue being happy with it. If you’re not, then find a way to be happy.

Yours Truly,

Me.

Learn

I dreamt of you today. You were giving us a chance to work things out between us. We were taking slow steps in becoming friends again. We were catching up all the years that we’ve missed and times that have lost.

And oh fuck, how happy we are in my dream. We were laughing and trying to understand our new self. Spotting the difference and looked at how much we’ve changed. There’s a thin line of awkwardness for sure, but everything felt so god damn right. For a moment in my dream, I felt happy again. I’m not even thinking about anything except trying to make this friendship work. I was laughing at the things you’ve said and the embarrassing things I’ve done by accident, and you were laughing at me too.

It was as if like, you were the missing piece of happiness in me. Afterall when you left, you did take a piece of me along with you, unknowingly of course.

I miss you. I miss us. I truly do.

But perhaps it was time. Time for me to realized that you were never coming back to me and that dream is like a reality check in life. A sign that I should stop holding onto you, A sign that I should really move on and learn from my past mistake. Learn to mend my broken self and start finding the happiness piece of me. Learn how to be happy again, but this time round, without you.

Someday

Someday I wish someone would care for me liked I cared for them. Someday I wish someone would love me like I love them. Someday I wish someone would give me their all like I gave them mine. Someday I wish someone would wipe away my tears like I would wipe away theirs. Someday I wish someone would just hold me tight and never let me go like I would hold them. Someday I wish someone would listen to my problems like I would listen to theirs. Someday I wish someone would mend the broken me like I would mend their broken self. Someday I wish someone would break down my walls and make me feel safe like I would do. Someday I just wish someone could assure me that everything would be fine and maybe just maybe I can finally have someone I can count on.

Someday, I wish I can be happy again. And perhaps someday I wish I could be less broken. Because once a broken person, always a broken person.

What Ifs

56ade8d04b043dc1609a46b5a4c9c009
What if one day I decided to stop everything that I’m doing?
What if one day I decided to stop caring about everything around me?
What if one day I decided to lose hope and faith?
What if one day I decided not to hold on to anything anymore?
What if one day……I decided to give up?

Because one day, I’ll come to realize that I’m too tired for everything.
Too tired of faking a smile. too tired of caring for everyone else and not for myself.
Too tired of giving everything that I have left of me yet no one could do the same.
Too fucking tired of trying to pick pieces of me up and only to get it shattered all over again.

With all the ‘what ifs’, there’s always a possibility of it happening.