19-12-17

The things that we love the most ended up being the things that killed us.

Don’t give up people, stay strong.

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I dreamt of you today. You were giving us a chance to work things out between us. We were taking slow steps in becoming friends again. We were catching up all the years that we’ve missed and times that have lost.

And oh fuck, how happy we are in my dream. We were laughing and trying to understand our new self. Spotting the difference and looked at how much we’ve changed. There’s a thin line of awkwardness for sure, but everything felt so god damn right. For a moment in my dream, I felt happy again. I’m not even thinking about anything except trying to make this friendship work. I was laughing at the things you’ve said and the embarrassing things I’ve done by accident, and you were laughing at me too.

It was as if like, you were the missing piece of happiness in me. Afterall when you left, you did take a piece of me along with you, unknowingly of course.

I miss you. I miss us. I truly do.

But perhaps it was time. Time for me to realized that you were never coming back to me and that dream is like a reality check in life. A sign that I should stop holding onto you, A sign that I should really move on and learn from my past mistake. Learn to mend my broken self and start finding the happiness piece of me. Learn how to be happy again, but this time round, without you.

No One Knows

Indeed no one knows.

No one knows that I could barely breathe Nor do they know how much I could hold on. No one knows how close I am to falling apart. No one knows how truly broken I am. No one knows…..

They don’t even know I’m hiding my tears back. They don’t even know how much I’m faking it.

I’m so close into giving up. I am so damn fucking close. I’m so fucking tired. I really am. I am trying so damn hard to keep all the falling pieces together. When a piece fall, I pick it up, and another falls again and again and again. This is driving me insane. Maybe I am insane. 

I want to hold on, I am trying to. But, what is there to hold on? 

Patience

What’s good everyone? My life has been a total mess like always and like every other time I questioned myself if I was making the right decision. 

Every single day I’m screaming inside. Wanting to break down the walls I’ve build and let out my inner me. Wanting to show my vulnerabilities and wanting to break down. But I stay put because how “strong” and “happy” everyone thought I was. Little did they know most of it are just a facade. Even the strongest person breaks apart because we are all humans afterall and what hurts human the most? Feelings. I’m losing this patience I have with myself and in life. God knows how much time I’m left in this world and there’s so much I want to do & wish to do. So much more for me to achieve and so much failure and obstacles to face.

I’m losing my patience in holding on. What is there to hold on when the reason for holding on is not for me but for everyone else? I’m questioning my existence in this life. It’s just one of the moment I have with myself as do every one else in this world. I’m sure I’ll be fine after a good night sleep.

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