Strike two

It’s a strike two everybody. I was expecting something like this to happen and yet, a part of me was hoping he isn’t like any other guys. I thought it was different this time round, and yet it’s the same. I still get the same fucking shit every single damn fucking time. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe. I’m just not meant to do anything at all.

But why did this hurts even more than before? Was it because it’s the second time I got stood up? Or I did actually overthink.

It hurts. It really does.

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I was wrong

I thought you were different and I was wrong. How naive could I be?

You are just like him. You brought me happy and yet painful memories. I saw him in you. I start to remember the past that I’m dying to leave behind as I try to move on.

The way we communicate reminds me of us; The things you do reminds me of him; The way you kicked me aside reminds me of him.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way.

Kill them with kindness

Kill them with kindness they say…. but what do you do when your act of kindness ends up being the one that kills you instead?

Because every single time, the kindness person ends up being the one getting hurt the most. They are usually the ones taken granted for. The ones that always lend a helping hand no matter how much they’ve suffered inside and how much they wish to cry and hope someone could lend their helping hand as well. Don’t people know that there’s a limit to everything?

How fucked up is that? How fucked up are we all? How fucked up is life?

You did well. You’ve worked hard.

(Warning!! Sentimental content & none of the picture belongs to me)

Dearest JH,

This is so hard. It’s always hard for me to bid farewell & I’m not ready for you to go just yet. This is so fucking hard because as I type this, I could feel my eyes welled up with tears. Filled with regrets and guilt.

Sweet, Sweet, Sweet JH. You were the sweetest person, always the caring and thoughtful one, an amazing singer with a voice that could shook us all. You were happy on the outside, yet you were suffering so much. You acted as if nothing is wrong with you yet the lyrics you wrote are your snippets of what was going on in your life and what’s gonna happen next. We’ve failed to notice. All of us. The family, friends and fans.

2009 – First heard the band song, got stuck by your amazing voice and your cute little blonde hair. First thought was, “holy shit, that guy could sing!”

2010 to 2014 – Supported your band as a fan. Attended to two of your concert. Had the opportunity to watch you sing live twice, still can’t believe how amazing your voice is. Then, I leave that world and not leaving you guys behind because your songs are still in my Spotify Playlist.

That’s the thing, we were all so consumed by your voice that we failed to notice you were consumed by your own darkness and demon. All we’ve noticed was how beautifully you sing and not how much pain was in your voice. As you were suffering, you were still thinking about others. Making sure they’ll be alright after you left this world. Even with your last breath, you still thought of the people around you. Just how long have you been preparing this? How long have you been suffering?

You see JH, you were never alone. We all love you. Always have, always will. I’m sorry we’ve failed to notice the emptiness in your heart, we’ve failed to notice the hollowness in you. I’m sorry we’ve failed to see the pain in your eyes and voice.

I’m not sure how many actually agree to this, I feel you’re “taking it for the team”. What does that means? It mean you are willing to sacrifice yourself to let the whole world know that, idols are human as well. Idols feels the pain. Idols can have depression and that many many idols in the industry you’re in, are suffering like you do. You are proving a point right here that everyone should take a step back, looked around you and give their idols some space.

Oh sweet JH, thank you for braving through it all for the past few years. Thank you for doing your very best till the very end. Thank you for making us all smile by your goofy actions. Thank you for making us listen to your soothing voice. Thank you for making us as one. Thank you for teaching us this lesson.

Oh sweet JH, you were so brave. I’m sorry you had to go through it all alone, I really am. It’s only less than an hour till the boys had to carry you out. What a bittersweet feeling. I’m happy you’re finding at peace but I’m sad that you had to leave everyone who love you behind. We are all taking it so damn hard. Fans or not fans. We all are suffering yet we stay strong because that’s what you want us to.

종현아,

너 진짜 최고야

보고싶다 우리 종현이.

근데… 수고했어

사랑해.. 김종현

Love, Me.

Dear Girls,

To those who have been stood up on a “date” or hangout as I call it. I have officially join the damn club.

Yes, I got stood up today. With a guy whom I’ve met online. We’ve been chatting for a few months and finally I’ve felt comfortable enough to meet him and grab a supper. Little did I know, that didn’t happened.

I have never once thought I would ever meet someone online. I’m always afraid, afraid of being not enough, afraid of being stood up and amongst other little things. The day I finally gather my damn fucking courage and agree to it, I got stood up and it’s my first ever one. How fucked up does that sound?

I had my walls build, and as I was trying to demolish bits and pieces I ended up putting the walls back up and make it even harder to break.

Never again.

Yours Truly,

Me.