You did well. You’ve worked hard.

(Warning!! Sentimental content & none of the picture belongs to me)

Dearest JH,

This is so hard. It’s always hard for me to bid farewell & I’m not ready for you to go just yet. This is so fucking hard because as I type this, I could feel my eyes welled up with tears. Filled with regrets and guilt.

Sweet, Sweet, Sweet JH. You were the sweetest person, always the caring and thoughtful one, an amazing singer with a voice that could shook us all. You were happy on the outside, yet you were suffering so much. You acted as if nothing is wrong with you yet the lyrics you wrote are your snippets of what was going on in your life and what’s gonna happen next. We’ve failed to notice. All of us. The family, friends and fans.

2009 – First heard the band song, got stuck by your amazing voice and your cute little blonde hair. First thought was, “holy shit, that guy could sing!”

2010 to 2014 – Supported your band as a fan. Attended to two of your concert. Had the opportunity to watch you sing live twice, still can’t believe how amazing your voice is. Then, I leave that world and not leaving you guys behind because your songs are still in my Spotify Playlist.

That’s the thing, we were all so consumed by your voice that we failed to notice you were consumed by your own darkness and demon. All we’ve noticed was how beautifully you sing and not how much pain was in your voice. As you were suffering, you were still thinking about others. Making sure they’ll be alright after you left this world. Even with your last breath, you still thought of the people around you. Just how long have you been preparing this? How long have you been suffering?

You see JH, you were never alone. We all love you. Always have, always will. I’m sorry we’ve failed to notice the emptiness in your heart, we’ve failed to notice the hollowness in you. I’m sorry we’ve failed to see the pain in your eyes and voice.

I’m not sure how many actually agree to this, I feel you’re “taking it for the team”. What does that means? It mean you are willing to sacrifice yourself to let the whole world know that, idols are human as well. Idols feels the pain. Idols can have depression and that many many idols in the industry you’re in, are suffering like you do. You are proving a point right here that everyone should take a step back, looked around you and give their idols some space.

Oh sweet JH, thank you for braving through it all for the past few years. Thank you for doing your very best till the very end. Thank you for making us all smile by your goofy actions. Thank you for making us listen to your soothing voice. Thank you for making us as one. Thank you for teaching us this lesson.

Oh sweet JH, you were so brave. I’m sorry you had to go through it all alone, I really am. It’s only less than an hour till the boys had to carry you out. What a bittersweet feeling. I’m happy you’re finding at peace but I’m sad that you had to leave everyone who love you behind. We are all taking it so damn hard. Fans or not fans. We all are suffering yet we stay strong because that’s what you want us to.

종현아,

너 진짜 최고야

보고싶다 우리 종현이.

근데… 수고했어

사랑해.. 김종현

Love, Me.

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Dear Girls,

To those who have been stood up on a “date” or hangout as I call it. I have officially join the damn club.

Yes, I got stood up today. With a guy whom I’ve met online. We’ve been chatting for a few months and finally I’ve felt comfortable enough to meet him and grab a supper. Little did I know, that didn’t happened.

I have never once thought I would ever meet someone online. I’m always afraid, afraid of being not enough, afraid of being stood up and amongst other little things. The day I finally gather my damn fucking courage and agree to it, I got stood up and it’s my first ever one. How fucked up does that sound?

I had my walls build, and as I was trying to demolish bits and pieces I ended up putting the walls back up and make it even harder to break.

Never again.

Yours Truly,

Me.

Learn

I dreamt of you today. You were giving us a chance to work things out between us. We were taking slow steps in becoming friends again. We were catching up all the years that we’ve missed and times that have lost.

And oh fuck, how happy we are in my dream. We were laughing and trying to understand our new self. Spotting the difference and looked at how much we’ve changed. There’s a thin line of awkwardness for sure, but everything felt so god damn right. For a moment in my dream, I felt happy again. I’m not even thinking about anything except trying to make this friendship work. I was laughing at the things you’ve said and the embarrassing things I’ve done by accident, and you were laughing at me too.

It was as if like, you were the missing piece of happiness in me. Afterall when you left, you did take a piece of me along with you, unknowingly of course.

I miss you. I miss us. I truly do.

But perhaps it was time. Time for me to realized that you were never coming back to me and that dream is like a reality check in life. A sign that I should stop holding onto you, A sign that I should really move on and learn from my past mistake. Learn to mend my broken self and start finding the happiness piece of me. Learn how to be happy again, but this time round, without you.

Someday

Someday I wish someone would care for me liked I cared for them. Someday I wish someone would love me like I love them. Someday I wish someone would give me their all like I gave them mine. Someday I wish someone would wipe away my tears like I would wipe away theirs. Someday I wish someone would just hold me tight and never let me go like I would hold them. Someday I wish someone would listen to my problems like I would listen to theirs. Someday I wish someone would mend the broken me like I would mend their broken self. Someday I wish someone would break down my walls and make me feel safe like I would do. Someday I just wish someone could assure me that everything would be fine and maybe just maybe I can finally have someone I can count on.

Someday, I wish I can be happy again. And perhaps someday I wish I could be less broken. Because once a broken person, always a broken person.

Fucked up? Yes.

Dear No-One, 

I think there’s something wrong with me. Something terribly wrong and I’m absolutely afraid of it. I have no idea what it is, truly I don’t.

Lately, I haven’t been Myself. I’m acting really different and I don’t think it’s a good thing. To others, I look and act exactly the same but… deep down I know that something is not right, not the fact that I act different with and without people because even when I’m alone, I don’t behave like this. I started acting differently, I have been feeling terrible, I have been thinking way too much. I can’t control my emotions, it’s like everything overwhelms me. Feeling happy, sad, guilt, irritated and angry. I don’t know how and what I’m supposed to feel. I’m so confused? I get irritated by every single minor thing, is this normal?

I’m a mess. I’m fucked up. Like major fucked up. 

God, just what is wrong with me? I am trying to keep myself together yet it seems like I’m losing myself even more. I don’t want to be a goner. 

Fuck me.