Strike two

It’s a strike two everybody. I was expecting something like this to happen and yet, a part of me was hoping he isn’t like any other guys. I thought it was different this time round, and yet it’s the same. I still get the same fucking shit every single damn fucking time. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe. I’m just not meant to do anything at all.

But why did this hurts even more than before? Was it because it’s the second time I got stood up? Or I did actually overthink.

It hurts. It really does.

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Twenty-One

Hello dear readers, I am happy and proud to say I am officially legal! I hit 21 just last week. It feel exactly the same, like every other year, not such a big difference.

Quick Summary of what I did on my birthday: As can seen above, I have order a dessert table although it cost quite a lot, but it was totally worth it. No regrets. I have always wanted my 21st to be memorable and “grand”. I had a little trouble with the color combination and it turn out pretty damn well in the end. I celebrated my 21st surrounded by my families and friends. It’s was beautiful. I can never forget about it.

Just wanna thank everyone who make their time to turn up and also for the well wishes.
I wanna thank my family – Parents, Brother & Grandmother. For doting me, as always.
My friends, for tolerating all my bullshit and nonsense.

A year older, hopefully a year wiser.

I am trying to learn to properly let go of the weights that were on my shoulder.
Stop looking for people that I could rely on and start to rely more on myself.
Start to really be happy and content with everything that I have.

Love, Me.

I was wrong

I thought you were different and I was wrong. How naive could I be?

You are just like him. You brought me happy and yet painful memories. I saw him in you. I start to remember the past that I’m dying to leave behind as I try to move on.

The way we communicate reminds me of us; The things you do reminds me of him; The way you kicked me aside reminds me of him.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way.

5 words.

5 words, “You always think too much”.
A common phrase used by people, yet somehow such phrase always hurts a lot.
Maybe you don’t mean it that way, but how come it still hurts so much?
Maybe you’re just asking me not to think too much and just relax. But why does it still hurts? 

I’m sorry for thinking too much for thoughts I have no control of.
I’m sorry if my concern seems overthinking for you.
Perhaps it is.
I’m sorry for sharing my concern then.

Kill them with kindness

Kill them with kindness they say…. but what do you do when your act of kindness ends up being the one that kills you instead?

Because every single time, the kindness person ends up being the one getting hurt the most. They are usually the ones taken granted for. The ones that always lend a helping hand no matter how much they’ve suffered inside and how much they wish to cry and hope someone could lend their helping hand as well. Don’t people know that there’s a limit to everything?

How fucked up is that? How fucked up are we all? How fucked up is life?

Hard

Well, no one said it would be this hard either.
Life is hard. Being alive is hard. Trying to survive on your own is even harder.

I’ve always wondered, why am I always the one sacrificing my own happiness for others? It’s like I’m here to sacrifices everything that I’ve own for others. Always for others but never myself. Without any hesitation, I would give them my all and yet, they couldn’t give me theirs. I’m always tired and I’m getting tired of saying I’m tired. But, I really am tired.

They say 2018 is supposed to be a year that you remove toxic people from your life.
“Start anew” they say.
What do you do when the toxic people are still the most important people in your life?
They gave me family, friendship and love, yet so much pain comes with that.
Their every decision, every single fucking one of them, caused me so much pain.
No thoughts were spared for me, not even a tiny single one. None.
It’s like, I’m worth nothing at all.
I can’t ever see myself removing them from my life. It’s physically, mentally and emotionally impossible. But how weird is that? Instead of moving them out of my life, I removed myself.

I’m going to lose myself very soon. For fuck sake, it’s still the first month of 2018.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know what’s going on.
I don’t know what to do.

Just who am I? Am I someone who is striving to reach her goals or am I someone who is sacrificing her whole life to satisfied others but not herself?

It’s funny how every pinterest post always says, “the strongest person is the one that is the most broken” yet somehow, no one realized how fucking broken I am inside. Maybe, I masked it well or they just do not care or are not bothered to ask. Afterall, their problems are much more concerning than mine’s. Maybe to them, I’m not as broken as it seems. They know the fact that I’m broken, but they thought I would pick my pieces up on my own, like I did always since no one gives a fuck. And I will. I will pick my pieces up and stand up strong. Just one day before I lose the last piece of me.

Perhaps, my 2018 goals is to find myself… before I lose myself even more.

Just how long can I last?

1st January 2018

A whole new year, 12 months, 365 days.
So much things to look forward to and yet, so much to be scared of.
So much had happened in 2017 be it good or bad.

Let me recall what major things has happened;
1. I decided to start working.
2. I decided to go for evening classes.
3. I decided to go for a clean diet (which lasted for four months close to five).
4. I decided to apologize to people whom I need to apologize to. 

In 2018, I am determined.
Determine to work harder than before.
Determine to work for things that I truly love.
Determine to go for a longer clean diet.
Determine to let go of the past.
Determine to start loving myself and opening my heart even more.
Determine to be truly happy.

Dear 2018,

No matter how fucked up 2017 was. I still hope for the best in 2018.
I still believe in “good things come to those who wait”.
I still believe in faith and fate.
I believe I’ll be able to go through all the hardship and accomplish greater things in life.
There are so much more adventure waiting for me this upcoming year.
I promise myself that I will try and be slightly more adventurous than before.
I promise myself that I will go ahead and be brave to try things that I have never tried.
I promise to make this year the best year yet.

Sincerely,

Me.