Dear You,

I can’t believe how fast time has fly. You and I have been friends for nearly 7 years. It was only 7 years ago that we were some awkward girls stepping into the life of being a “teenager”. We’ve been through what most teen friends have been through together – A friendship filled with lots of drama. We had our fair share of fights & agreements. We had our best & worst moment. We even stopped being friends for a while, but we forgive and we forget, here we stand as friends. You weren’t just any ordinary friend but my best friend whom I wish I could keep forever. You’re someone who has been part of my entire teenage life and someone who I knew without a doubt, accept my flaws and for who I am. 

It was a bittersweet moment with you at the Airport. It was hard to hold my tears back as we hugged and bid our farewell wishing the best for each other. But I did, because I told you I wouldn’t shed my tear on the day you left and I’m afraid if I did, the people around would do too. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, I’m really happy for you, yet I’m sad as you have left this country, leaving the ones you’ve loved behind and what you didn’t know that as you leave, you have took a piece of our heart along with you. I knew how much you’ve suffered here, I knew this isn’t the place for you to be in and I’m really glad that you’re finally leaving this awful place. 

There’s so much that I wish to say but I know I would never be able to express them in words. I am really blessed, thankful and grateful to have you as my friend. Thank you for being by my side through thick and skin, for tolerating all my nonsensical stuff. Thank you for staying in my life despite the past we had before, despite the way I’ve treated you in the past, I can never thank you enough. Thank you for putting your faith in me, thank you for trusting me & allowing me to be your personal counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist or whatever you wish to call it, which you usually referred me as your own personal psychiatrist that doesn’t cost a single cent. Most importantly, thank you for staying. 

I’m sorry for everything that I once did wrong to you, I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you in the past. I’m sorry for every thing. 

Three days before your flight, we hung out and we sang karaoke. I dedicated this song to you, “See you again” by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. One of my all time favorite song. It’s definitely one of those songs that hit me so damn hard on the emotions part. I can’t help but think how the lyrics are so meaningful and it matches our friendship & current situation? 

It’s been a long day without you, my friend

And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

We’ve come a long way from where we began

Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

Damn, who knew?

All the planes we flew

Good things we’ve been through

That I’ll be standing right here talking to you

‘Bout another path

I know we loved to hit the road and laugh

But something told me that it wouldn’t last

Had to switch up

Look at things different, see the bigger picture

Those were the days

Hard work forever pays

Now I see you in a better place (see you in a better place)

How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?

Everything I went through you were standing there by my side

And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride

It’s been a long day without you, my friend

And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again (I see you again)

We’ve come a long way (yeah, we came a long way) from where we began (you know we started)

Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again (let me tell you)

When I see you again

First you both go out your way

And the vibe is feeling strong

And what’s small turn to a friendship

A friendship turn to a bond

And that bond will never be broken

The love will never get lost (and the love will never get lost)

And when brotherhood come first

Then the line will never be crossed

Established it on our own

When that line had to be drawn

And that line is what we reach

So remember me when I’m gone (remember me when I’m gone)

How can we not talk about family when family’s all that we got?

Everything I went through you were standing there by my side

And now you gon’ be with me for the last ride

So let the light guide your way, yeah

Hold every memory as you go

And every road you take, will always lead you home, home

See you again, my friend. 

Love, Me

x

Patience

What’s good everyone? My life has been a total mess like always and like every other time I questioned myself if I was making the right decision. 

Every single day I’m screaming inside. Wanting to break down the walls I’ve build and let out my inner me. Wanting to show my vulnerabilities and wanting to break down. But I stay put because how “strong” and “happy” everyone thought I was. Little did they know most of it are just a facade. Even the strongest person breaks apart because we are all humans afterall and what hurts human the most? Feelings. I’m losing this patience I have with myself and in life. God knows how much time I’m left in this world and there’s so much I want to do & wish to do. So much more for me to achieve and so much failure and obstacles to face.

I’m losing my patience in holding on. What is there to hold on when the reason for holding on is not for me but for everyone else? I’m questioning my existence in this life. It’s just one of the moment I have with myself as do every one else in this world. I’m sure I’ll be fine after a good night sleep.

x

7th July 2017

Pink sky are absolutely stunning. I can’t take my eyes off the beautiful sky. 

Today’s post is a little random since I just wanna casually update about my life. Today has got to be the best date ever. 07/07/17 my favorite number, “7”. Had a job interview earlier this morning, travelled from east to west and it ended quite well since I landed the job and will be starting next Monday. Somehow I’m very excited yet scared because I really want to do well and I can only hope for the best. Next, I’m having my exam on the coming 11th. Probably should get back to studying. 

All the best to myself! 

x

Be Different, Be Yourself

It actually took me quite a while to gather up my courage to choose this topic to write about today and it also took me some time to figure out how I’m supposed to put this into words since I’m so overwhelmed by feelings.

As you can see in the beginning of this post I’ve attached an image. Just like every other post on here but this is something much more different from what I’ve usually post. Which brings me to my topic for today – Being different.

Dear whoever is reading this,
It’s perfectly okay to be different from everyone else. You do not need to be the same to fit in with everyone. You are where you belong, on earth with a bunch of humans just like you. Regardless of race, religion, body type or sexuality. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. You are a HUMAN just like all the 7 billions people in this world. Your race, religion, body type or sexuality DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.

If you feel ashamed of who you are because of any of the reasons I’ve said above, please don’t. You are perfect the way you are and you are unique the way you are. Please don’t try to change yourself for society just because they say you “can’t fit in” or you’ll be alone because that is all bullshit. You’ll fit in just right because you are already a part of it. Do not change yourself into someone you’re not because that isn’t you and it’s not going to make you happy.The society would be “pleased” but who are they to have a say in your life? NOTHING.  Don’t hide and Don’t pretend. Embrace yourself and be yourself.

Here’s a little something about me: I’m an Asian, I am born into a semi-conservative family and almost half of my relatives from my Dad’s side are Christian (and they love to follow the rules – Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing and besides, I love my cousins). With that being said, as many may know, being born into an Asian family means things are gonna be a lot stricter than how it is in the western countries. So things like,  having good grades, doctors/lawyers and government jobs are the best, no time for creativity jobs,  no sex before marriage and etc. But there are some things Asians families are really particular about such as – a boy needs to act like a boy, a girl needs to act like a girl, a boy can only like girls and vice versa which means no same-sex relationship, and males over females.

So growing up, I was told to follow those “rules” and I have to act girly because I’m a girl. We got to play with dolls, be pretty, skinny, wear dresses, have long beautiful hairs and put on make up etc. I am pretty uncomfortable with most things that are said above except having long hairs. I knew I was different as my cousins and in fact all the other girls in this country. They fancied make ups and etc while I just don’t. Like give me a pair of t-shirt and short, put on some sneakers and I’m good to go. But I used to think, being different is not a good thing because it makes me look like a freak, like a fish out of water and simply because I couldn’t fit in the category of “Girls”. I can’t behave like all the other girls, I can’t try to be other girls and I just can’t do most things all the other girls love. For a few years in my teenage life, I wasn’t very happy with who I am. I am constantly trying to fit in to society, I am always trying to be someone else that I’m not and I absolutely hated who I was. I’ve questioned myself many times, “Why can’t I be skinny like every other girls?”, “Why don’t I fancied make ups?”, “Why do I not like pretty dresses”, “Why do I not like shopping” and so many more questions. Because I just don’t get it. Why am I so different from everyone else?!

When I was 17, I had this dream (a little irrelevant but you’ll understand why I mentioned this). I dreamt that I died, and it’s the same dream for 3 days. It’s always the same scene of how I died and the same time of when I woke up for the first two days but for the third day, it’s a little different because, I actually saw myself lying in the coffin. Needless to say, I was so terrified that I force myself to wake up. Then it got me thinking, sometimes dream interpret something it could be positive or negative and I found out mine was a mixture of both but then I stumbled into this statement, “dreaming of your own death often happens when you are facing the end of something — perhaps a career, marriage or other major life-altering change. It can also reflect that something has died within the self or symbolize a new beginning or new chapter in your life. It might also be a dream telling you to leave all of your cares behind and start something new. An important fact that the dream may be telling you is to take a look at your own habits and how they are affecting your health, both physical and mental.” It was like a sign for me to wake up because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I need to become who I am truly meant to be and I need to start a new beginning, in a new book. Ever since that day, I’ve decided to stop trying to be someone else that I’m not. So I’ve dropped everything down, no more pretending, no more hiding and decided to be Me. This dream makes me open my eyes wide and allows me to take a look at everyone around me. At that point I realized, everyone is different in their own ways and it’s okay to be different. I embraced my body type, I embraced my race and religion and who I truly am. I’ve never been happier because this is who I am meant to be. Fuck what societies says about how everyone should be. And I realized, I’m not alone as there are millions or perhaps billions of people who are like me and till today I am still happy with myself.

I told myself, it’s okay if I don’t wear make ups, dresses, heels or like shopping. It does not mean I’m not a girl. I still have my periods every month, I like pink and also black and I’m still a girl, just a little different.

Today, I’ve stumbled upon a Facebook video about the LGBT and I feel so happy yet so sad. I was in tears when I saw how happy they were when they came out and embraced their sexuality but, I felt so sad because most of them dared not to let their family know about it. Fearing they would not be accepted and they would be judged by everyone. When I was younger, I simply don’t get how can the same-sex like each other or how a girl wants be a boy and a boy wants to be a girl. I was told a girl should like a boy, vice versa and a girl should always be a girl and vice versa. So why does this happened? Then when I reached my “turning point” in life, I realized there’s no “why” to that question because it is how it is, the fact that there’s NOTHING wrong being apart of the LGBT because they are human who are simply just being who they are. Being different, Being themselves.

Question: Why can’t everyone be accepting and loving? 

There shouldn’t be any boundaries between love. Love is just love. You love with all your heart. You love because you care. You show your affections to them. Love doesn’t restrict who you could love and who you shouldn’t love. But this world is filled with love and also hate. There are many people, who don’t understand that LOVE IS FREE FROM RULES. You do not love because you were told to love. You love because you were meant to love everything around you. It does not have a boundaries around it. If they are happy loving the same-sex, or trying to be who they really are even by going all out in changing their gender, go ahead. Do whatever makes you happy. Do not stop because you’re afraid to show everyone else you are different. Do not be afraid of being your true self. Do not let anyone stop you from your own happiness.

Are the LGBT not humans? Do they not come out from their Mother’s vagina? Do they not eat/drink/pee/fart/shit/sleep? Do they not have hands, legs, face and a body? They do. They are exactly the same as all the other 7 billions people in this world. Just because they are different from their sexuality, it doesn’t make them not human. It does not make them a freak. SO WHY CAN’T PEOPLE BE ACCEPTING AND LOVING? Does them loving the same-sex makes you decrease your life span? NO. Does what the LGBT people do affect your lives? NO. Some might say yes because of how their actions “disgust” them. But they are humans, they are allowed to show affection to each other just like everyone else. There shouldn’t be any restricting for it. What the LGBT does it will not affect your lives, because they are just like everyone else in this world. They love and act the same way.

If everyone is more accepting and loving, how great would this world be?

EVERYONE IS EQUAL – BOTH MEN AND WOMEN. NO RELIGION ARE BAD RELIGION. EVERYONE IS IN THE SAME RACE, HUMAN-RACE. LOVE EVERYONE. NO HATE, JUST LOVE BECAUSE ALL LOVE IS EQUAL. 

Love, Me

x

Decision

Life is all about making decisions. Every decision has a different outcome. Right or wrong decision brings you somewhere. It could be somewhere far from what you’ve expected or you could just be a few steps away from what you wanted. 

In life, everyone regrets something. Regret not studying hard, regret making this decision, regret for not cherishing someone etc. We all regrets an action. I’ve made this decision to let go someone that was dear to me and I’m regretting this decision but somehow it was for the best. In the process of making that decision, I’ve hurt both of us (not really sure if it mattered to that person). It took me years to come to term with myself that I have to apologize for what I’ve done and I will when the time is right. 

Never be afraid to be sorry for what you’ve done. No matter how guilty, how mad or for any god damn reasons. Always apologize for something you’ve done that you know you’re wrong. Don’t live life with regrets. 

x

“She designed the life she loved”

Once again, all pictures are taken from Pinterest and I do not own any unless stated.-

Well, life hasn’t been easy and school was tiring. It’s a lot harder for me to concentrate in class especially when I’m studying a course I do not have passion for. At times like these, I question myself over and over again –  Why am I doing this? What is the purpose of me doing this? Who am I doing it for? I’ve got questions in my head and the answers for every single question but, none of the answers are for me. Despite all the struggles, it’s almost the third week of class and I still have many more to go. All that is left, is to endure the entire year and plan my life again; perhaps this time doing something I love?

I told myself that this platform is for me to jot down my feelings and all, but whenever I tried to get on here and try typing out my feelings, for some reason I just couldn’t do it nor could I utter a single sound. Completely silent would be the best words to describe it. It’s like, I feel overwhelms by all my emotions but, no words could describe how I feel. I’m so damn complicated that I have no idea where this post is gonna lead to.

;

a girl is willing to let go of her past and forgive others in order to forgive herself for all her sins. 
a girl wishes for nothing more but just happiness. Happiness in others and herself.

x

01/06/2017

This post was actually meant to go up on Tuesday instead of today, Thursday but I got lazy. Took this picture after 5 hours of singing on Tuesday – I absolutely missed & love singing. 

Started my first class today. They changed the class venue without even informing us and 5 of us waited in the wrong classroom for nearly 40 minutes, pissed as fuck. The moment I stepped into the class, one word – Regrets. Like why did I even choose this course?! I’m like trying so damn hard to concentrate & absorb as much information as I possibly could. But oh well, there’s no backing out now. (NTS: Study well and TRY to get an “A” for my grades.) 

Skipped lunch & dinner today – Not wise at all especially when the lecture room reek of foods and I was like starving. I’m currently on my way home as I’m typing this, can’t wait to go home and grab a quick bite before sleep. 

I really wish everything could go well & I will be able to pull everythinng through.

x

Be Happy

Thought Of The Day: Why does the rain make me feel so peaceful and relaxed?

This post was suppose to go up yesterday with me ranting about how much I dislike Thursday more than Monday, but don’t think I will be typing my entire rant now since it’s Friday today!

So, a little quick summary of why I dislike Thursday. To me, Thursday seems so near to the weekends yet so far away. I’ve always thought to myself like, “Why can’t today be Friday? So I wouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow”. When I was working, many of these bad things happened on a Thursday and a perfect example would be – Yesterday. Things happened during work and I was quite upset which then also mark my last day of work, which to be honest I am so glad about. I’d like to thank my friends for listening to my rants because work would be in a misery if I wasn’t able to rant, so thank you guys (you know who you are, even if no one is reading this but it’s totally ok because like I said before, this is my little journal for me to jot down most things that occured in my life).

So it has been raining the entire day which I am so happy about because I absolutely love the rain. It makes me feel calm, peaceful and relaxed even just for a few minutes. I woke up early in the morning and began job hunting which is not easy. I have never liked the process of finding job, you find a job, you send in resume, you wait, you get an interview, you wait, you received a call and then you start work in a completely new environment with rooms full of strangers. I have learned some pretty good lesson from my previous job and I’m gonna make sure I won’t repeat them again but this is life, you learn from your mistake.

6 more days till I start school, wouldn’t say I’m 100% ready for it but I am quite excited. Taking a year break in 2016 was totally worth it, I needed time to fix myself so I could be a better person this year and it worked. I’ve made a goal with myself in the beginning of 2017 and that is to complete the task that was set for me in 2016 – To do things that I should have done in 2016 (A little weird, but yes) which is surpsingly going damn well. I found a job (which then I lost it again, but at least I worked), I’m going back to school, I chop my hair off (which I’m loving it right now and wish I could have chop more) and I’m on a journey to eating healthy. I’m also loving myself and the others around me more, I’ve stop taking others for granted, I am starting to be more open than before and I am trying out new things.

At the end of the day, it’s all about being happy with yourself and everyone around you. You don’t need anyone to teach you how to be happy, for happiness cannot be taught. You don’t need anyone to teach you how to love, for love comes within your heart and you definitely don’t need anyone’s opinion to tell you how to live your own life. You do you, and as long as you’re happy that is enough.

x

Starting anew

Here lies all the unspoken words from me;

This shall be my little journal for me to note down everything that’s happening in my life. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to look back and reminisce the good ol’ times.

I honestly don’t give a damn if anyone is reading this or not but to me, this is like a little therapy session with myself. Instead of bottling up all my feelings, I decided to write them all down and even include my daily life in it because why not? Most of these pictures are found on Pinterest & they are absolutely amazing.

x