Hard

Well, no one said it would be this hard either.
Life is hard. Being alive is hard. Trying to survive on your own is even harder.

I’ve always wondered, why am I always the one sacrificing my own happiness for others? It’s like I’m here to sacrifices everything that I’ve own for others. Always for others but never myself. Without any hesitation, I would give them my all and yet, they couldn’t give me theirs. I’m always tired and I’m getting tired of saying I’m tired. But, I really am tired.

They say 2018 is supposed to be a year that you remove toxic people from your life.
“Start anew” they say.
What do you do when the toxic people are still the most important people in your life?
They gave me family, friendship and love, yet so much pain comes with that.
Their every decision, every single fucking one of them, caused me so much pain.
No thoughts were spared for me, not even a tiny single one. None.
It’s like, I’m worth nothing at all.
I can’t ever see myself removing them from my life. It’s physically, mentally and emotionally impossible. But how weird is that? Instead of moving them out of my life, I removed myself.

I’m going to lose myself very soon. For fuck sake, it’s still the first month of 2018.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know what’s going on.
I don’t know what to do.

Just who am I? Am I someone who is striving to reach her goals or am I someone who is sacrificing her whole life to satisfied others but not herself?

It’s funny how every pinterest post always says, “the strongest person is the one that is the most broken” yet somehow, no one realized how fucking broken I am inside. Maybe, I masked it well or they just do not care or are not bothered to ask. Afterall, their problems are much more concerning than mine’s. Maybe to them, I’m not as broken as it seems. They know the fact that I’m broken, but they thought I would pick my pieces up on my own, like I did always since no one gives a fuck. And I will. I will pick my pieces up and stand up strong. Just one day before I lose the last piece of me.

Perhaps, my 2018 goals is to find myself… before I lose myself even more.

Just how long can I last?

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