I’m back

Hello Everyone! How has everyone been doing? I know I’ve neglected this lovely space of mine for almost two months, but it feels good to be back. Things has been great, I’ve moved on and left toxic people behind. I know the last few post I’ve made are super fucking negative, but hopefully I can start changing that, the space was much needed to clear my heads as things weren’t going well for awhile, but all has been good.

I’ve been neglecting so much things in life that I even neglected one of my favorite thing to do in this world – Reading. I’ve been doing so much reading that it kept my head busy for awhile and had me thinking more about life.

It’s crazy how there’s so much in life that I’ve yet to do, so much experience that I’ve yet to gain. One day, I just had the craziest thought with all the overwhelm emotion, I decided to write a book. Yup, you seen correctly, I am currently trying to write my first ever book. Not sure how it’ll turn out, but I’m pretty excited about it and I feel like sharing on here. I’m literally half way through the first chapter as work has been so busy and I was hoping to upload my first chapter by the upcoming week.

Hopefully, it’ll turn out okay haha.

Alright, i guess I’ll see you guys soon once I’ve uploaded my first chapter?

 

Love, me

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New Year, New Chances

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Day 1 of 365. How time flies, and a year has just gone past just like that.
I feel that new year resolution are just a bunch of bullshitting for lazy ass people myself.
Always the same old thing, clean diet, saving more money, learn to be a better person etc.
Sometimes, i feel you actually don’t need such resolution to do such things.
It is never too late to do anything, as long as you don’t live your life with regrets.

New friends, lost friends. New lover, lost lover. People always come and go in your life. There’s always a reason for that and most of the time, it is always for the better.

I had one of the most amazing New Year Eve’s celebration, the legit “drink your night away but enjoy it” kind of thing. It was fun, it was a lot of talking and confessing of secrets that we have never tell anyone. Everything feels so much lighter. So definitely new year, new start and new beginning.

May everyone have an amazing year ahead, although sometimes life fucked you up. But it will never fucked you up forever, there will always be something good that’s going to happen to you. So always wait, because good thing come to those who waits. Live life to the fullest and don’t worry x.

love,
me

I lied.

I lied. I didn’t stop. I did it again, again and again. It’s like the cigarette can feel my emotions, it knows I needed it to clear my thoughts. I lied about feeling fine. I lied about you.

I dreamt about you last night, even in the dream you’re ending things with me, what a joke this really is and you still want me as your friend there. My heart broke when I woke up, i feel the heartache all over again and I fucking hated it.

I feel bad, you were going through some shit and yet, I send you such a long message that either you’re too busy to reply or you don’t give fucks about it at all. You took initiative to text me a day later. Was it pity?

I just can’t stop looking at my phone because I’m constantly waiting for your reply and afterwards I felt like shit, maybe I was an inconsiderate bitch, maybe I seems like I’m forcing you to reply and it add on to your burden. I apologize about it earlier today, and again you responded but you gave no shits. You are active, yet no fucks given for me. Funny how you could stay up for her yet you couldn’t stay up for me. Maybe, I was the fool for trusting you.

I figured out what I was to you. A challenge.

A challenge because you haven’t met a girl that is like me. A challenge because someone finally said no to you. A challenge because I give in to you all the time. Yet, you took advantage of everything. You find me when you want, you push me away when it’s too much. It’s like I’m your booty calls. Again, I was the fool.

I need a closure from you. Yet you are avoiding the topic or specifically, me. But I need to say good-bye.

So please let me say good bye so I can move on. Otherwise, this is my good bye.

Heartache

It’s 1:52 AM as I’m typing this and I couldn’t sleep. When I close my eyes, all I could remember was your words, your face and your voice.

On impulse, I deleted all our conversation including my favorite picture of yours. You took my breath away that day, but I guess you’ll never know that since you have never once believed me. My feelings for you were real. Maybe I just wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t worth your chase and your time. Maybe my action didn’t speak louder than words. she showed you she wanted you more than I did. But every single time I took a step forward, you move a step back. Was it because of me? Or was it because of her? Because you’ve fallen in love with her as well.

You see, that’s the thing I don’t get. I have never talked to anyone besides you. I have dropped off all contacts when I realized I’ve developed feelings for you, yet you were talking to her, your old friend who happens to be your flame. You were choosing between me and her, and you’ve made your decision, you chose her. Then, why did you come back to me? You said I string you along, maybe I did because I wasn’t being clear to you with my feelings for you. But you string me along as well because multiple times, I’ve told you my feelings and yet you wouldn’t believe me. Then now, you wanted her.

I’ve never not wanted you. My entire body screams for you. To call you mine. Yet, I was so scared. Every move I make, makes me wonder if I’ll be pulling you close, or pushing you away. Yes, I said I don’t trust you, but of course deep down in me, I’ve always trusted you.

She was here long before I did. It’ll always be her and not me. She understands you more than I did. I am still figuring you out and yet, it seems like you’ve given up on figuring me out. You said I didn’t care but I’m always constantly wondering about you. I asked you for one thing, time. Time for me to love you, time for me to understand you. Yet you said, you’re not going to wait.

“You didn’t text first” That’s because you were working in a dangerous environment. Texting you would be a distraction, and you needed to stay focused as your boss is always watching. Also, you were always busy.

“You didn’t talk to me on the weekend” That’s because I wasn’t on the phone during the weekend. I was resting.

Has is occured to you that every single time I’ve looked forward for you to end work and so we can chat but you are always drinking? Yet you said you were looking forward to the weekend to chat with me, yet you didn’t reply my messages, and I assumed you were busy.

When I know, I had to let you go. I cried hard. My heart was aching and it’s telling me to fight for you. Beg for your forgiveness and tell you how much I love you and prove you wrong. Yet, I couldn’t do that. You deserve your happiness with someone who deserve you more than I do. You are moving on. You said you couldn’t lose me as a Friend. But I can’t be your friend.

You’re moving on and so should I. I can’t stay with you because you are tearing me apart.

God, is this what heartache feels like? Because it hurts like a bitch.

12th November 2018 – the day I told you that I like you.

I broke it

I broke it.

Six month. It took me six month to break it.

I was on constant edge the entire day. I had attacks. Almost breakdown a couple of times. I was losing my focus. I was overthinking. I was lost. I was dying inside.

I was hurting. I needed an escape, so I broke it. I gave into temptation and I inhale the toxic into my body. As I exhale it out, I feel calm. Weird. But honestly it did help. I got my focus back up after it. I wasn’t having my attacks and I didn’t feel like crying anymore. Maybe I rely on it and I don’t like that. But I couldn’t help myself as my lips were dying to get close to the toxic stick.

I needed it today. But never will I need it again. I will find ways to clear away the habit of mine.

This is my last, and I swear I will stop.

Warrior

Warrior

I can’t help by looking for songs that I needed in my life current then I stumbled upon Warrior by Demi Lovato. How much I relate to this song.

Things went down last night, and I couldn’t even go to sleep because every single time I close my eyes, all I heard were the words and cries. It was then covered by my own cries as I lay on my bed feeling absolutely useless. There was nothing I could do.

I listen to every single word coming out from their mouth and every word they said, it broke my soul even more than before. It broke my heart, it broke my trust and it broke my life. It breaks me apart. Today is the day, when I realized I can no longer pretend everything is going to be fine. It will never be and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be okay. I feel like I’m losing this fight with myself and I don’t know what to do. But I realized I have him, my brother. Even though we bicker a lot, but in the end he is still shielding and protecting me from all the mess. Even though he was too, breaking inside yet he protected me and I love him. I am thankful for everything he has done for me.

This is the last piece of me that I’m holding on for. For my Brother and for Myself.

Wonder

I watched as the water from the shower drips between my hand, slowly goes down to the drain; I looked up and asked, “When will I rise?”

Rise to become the person I am meant to be;
Rise to become the person I truly am;
Rise as I stand up strong with my feet on the ground and my chin held high;
Rise as I conquered everything that is in my way.

I walked out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror.
“Just exactly, who am I”
The girl who’s eyes is filled with tears as she wiped her tears away, there’s was no light in her eyes. It’s as dull and dark as it can be.
They say your eyes are the window to your soul. Does that mean, I have an empty soul?
The days where it seems her eyes were brighten up, many times I wondered if it was real or was it just a show? Many times I wondered, how many times has the eyes filled with tears only to be wiped away again silently? Many times I wondered, when will all these end for her?

I’m honestly getting tired these days. Way too much thinking and way too much crying.
It’s like… nothing ever matters anymore and for the first time in so many years,

I am truly alone.
I am all I had. No one else, but just me.
It’s like I came out of a really dark room and found myself stranded on the road – it’s a long road and then, I just decided to stop and look around.
It was then I realized, I am lost.

I honestly don’t even know why I’m typing all these and I definitely don’t even know what I’m typing.

So if any of you dear readers are wondering what the fuck am I typing.
Don’t mind me, clearly I have lost my mind.

Signing off,

Me.