It’s 1:52 AM as I’m typing this and I couldn’t sleep. When I close my eyes, all I could remember was your words, your face and your voice.
On impulse, I deleted all our conversation including my favorite picture of yours. You took my breath away that day, but I guess you’ll never know that since you have never once believed me. My feelings for you were real. Maybe I just wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t worth your chase and your time. Maybe my action didn’t speak louder than words. she showed you she wanted you more than I did. But every single time I took a step forward, you move a step back. Was it because of me? Or was it because of her? Because you’ve fallen in love with her as well.
You see, that’s the thing I don’t get. I have never talked to anyone besides you. I have dropped off all contacts when I realized I’ve developed feelings for you, yet you were talking to her, your old friend who happens to be your flame. You were choosing between me and her, and you’ve made your decision, you chose her. Then, why did you come back to me? You said I string you along, maybe I did because I wasn’t being clear to you with my feelings for you. But you string me along as well because multiple times, I’ve told you my feelings and yet you wouldn’t believe me. Then now, you wanted her.
I’ve never not wanted you. My entire body screams for you. To call you mine. Yet, I was so scared. Every move I make, makes me wonder if I’ll be pulling you close, or pushing you away. Yes, I said I don’t trust you, but of course deep down in me, I’ve always trusted you.
She was here long before I did. It’ll always be her and not me. She understands you more than I did. I am still figuring you out and yet, it seems like you’ve given up on figuring me out. You said I didn’t care but I’m always constantly wondering about you. I asked you for one thing, time. Time for me to love you, time for me to understand you. Yet you said, you’re not going to wait.
“You didn’t text first” That’s because you were working in a dangerous environment. Texting you would be a distraction, and you needed to stay focused as your boss is always watching. Also, you were always busy.
“You didn’t talk to me on the weekend” That’s because I wasn’t on the phone during the weekend. I was resting.
Has is occured to you that every single time I’ve looked forward for you to end work and so we can chat but you are always drinking? Yet you said you were looking forward to the weekend to chat with me, yet you didn’t reply my messages, and I assumed you were busy.
When I know, I had to let you go. I cried hard. My heart was aching and it’s telling me to fight for you. Beg for your forgiveness and tell you how much I love you and prove you wrong. Yet, I couldn’t do that. You deserve your happiness with someone who deserve you more than I do. You are moving on. You said you couldn’t lose me as a Friend. But I can’t be your friend.
You’re moving on and so should I. I can’t stay with you because you are tearing me apart.
God, is this what heartache feels like? Because it hurts like a bitch.
12th November 2018 – the day I told you that I like you.