Knock

A knock on my heart and all my walls came tumbling down. My knees felt weak as I see your name on my phone.

You acted like nothing happened and yet you didn’t know how much it has crushed me.

I’m a salty bitch, but you are one of hell selfish bastard.

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Break

I’m just going to take a break from everything.

People seems to be using my kindness against me. Or just using me basically making myself a fool out of everyone.

So tired.

Warrior

Warrior

I can’t help by looking for songs that I needed in my life current then I stumbled upon Warrior by Demi Lovato. How much I relate to this song.

Things went down last night, and I couldn’t even go to sleep because every single time I close my eyes, all I heard were the words and cries. It was then covered by my own cries as I lay on my bed feeling absolutely useless. There was nothing I could do.

I listen to every single word coming out from their mouth and every word they said, it broke my soul even more than before. It broke my heart, it broke my trust and it broke my life. It breaks me apart. Today is the day, when I realized I can no longer pretend everything is going to be fine. It will never be and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be okay. I feel like I’m losing this fight with myself and I don’t know what to do. But I realized I have him, my brother. Even though we bicker a lot, but in the end he is still shielding and protecting me from all the mess. Even though he was too, breaking inside yet he protected me and I love him. I am thankful for everything he has done for me.

This is the last piece of me that I’m holding on for. For my Brother and for Myself.

Wonder

I watched as the water from the shower drips between my hand, slowly goes down to the drain; I looked up and asked, “When will I rise?”

Rise to become the person I am meant to be;
Rise to become the person I truly am;
Rise as I stand up strong with my feet on the ground and my chin held high;
Rise as I conquered everything that is in my way.

I walked out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror.
“Just exactly, who am I”
The girl who’s eyes is filled with tears as she wiped her tears away, there’s was no light in her eyes. It’s as dull and dark as it can be.
They say your eyes are the window to your soul. Does that mean, I have an empty soul?
The days where it seems her eyes were brighten up, many times I wondered if it was real or was it just a show? Many times I wondered, how many times has the eyes filled with tears only to be wiped away again silently? Many times I wondered, when will all these end for her?

I’m honestly getting tired these days. Way too much thinking and way too much crying.
It’s like… nothing ever matters anymore and for the first time in so many years,

I am truly alone.
I am all I had. No one else, but just me.
It’s like I came out of a really dark room and found myself stranded on the road – it’s a long road and then, I just decided to stop and look around.
It was then I realized, I am lost.

I honestly don’t even know why I’m typing all these and I definitely don’t even know what I’m typing.

So if any of you dear readers are wondering what the fuck am I typing.
Don’t mind me, clearly I have lost my mind.

Signing off,

Me.

 

 

Signs

All you have been doing was showing me signs that you weren’t interested. So why should I bother to keep trying when no matter what I did, you gave no damn about it.

It’s like every single time I decided to not think about you, yet somehow you have always find your way into my brain and make me think about you. Just when I decided not to see you, I saw you.

What’s fucked up is that, you pretend I don’t exist and I try to pretend that you don’t exist. See the difference? Yeah.

Honestly, I think have more balls than you do.

Strike two

It’s a strike two everybody. I was expecting something like this to happen and yet, a part of me was hoping he isn’t like any other guys. I thought it was different this time round, and yet it’s the same. I still get the same fucking shit every single damn fucking time. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe. I’m just not meant to do anything at all.

But why did this hurts even more than before? Was it because it’s the second time I got stood up? Or I did actually overthink.

It hurts. It really does.

Twenty-One

Hello dear readers, I am happy and proud to say I am officially legal! I hit 21 just last week. It feel exactly the same, like every other year, not such a big difference.

Quick Summary of what I did on my birthday: As can seen above, I have order a dessert table although it cost quite a lot, but it was totally worth it. No regrets. I have always wanted my 21st to be memorable and “grand”. I had a little trouble with the color combination and it turn out pretty damn well in the end. I celebrated my 21st surrounded by my families and friends. It’s was beautiful. I can never forget about it.

Just wanna thank everyone who make their time to turn up and also for the well wishes.
I wanna thank my family – Parents, Brother & Grandmother. For doting me, as always.
My friends, for tolerating all my bullshit and nonsense.

A year older, hopefully a year wiser.

I am trying to learn to properly let go of the weights that were on my shoulder.
Stop looking for people that I could rely on and start to rely more on myself.
Start to really be happy and content with everything that I have.

Love, Me.